By Faith Alone

Follow the Narrow Brick Road

2012-02-11T19:37:00.002-05:00

With one hand fading in the darkness, I’ll use the other to drag myself out of harm’s way

As hopeless as it seems, I’ll keep calling for help until my vocal can’t make a sound

Even though my legs have stopped working, I’ll use what’s left of them to get where I’m going

My vision isn’t what it used to be, but I’ll train my eyes on the light that I can see

The road’s so cold and empty, but I know I’m at the right place

I may not be as “street smart” as I should be, but I know where the dangerous places are

And as tempting as it is to cut through an alleyway, I know that it will only lead to a dead end

So I’ll focus on the path in front of me until the path is cleared

This journey is killing me, but how can it kill me if I’m already dying?

Nevertheless, I’ll use what life that’s left to reach my destination, even I die at the threshold

I just want to make it in before the gates are locked

All I need to do now is get up…

Breathe

2012-02-11T19:20:00.005-05:00

I write because I don’t want to read

I sleep because I don’t want to wake up

I do what I want because it’s I can

I hate myself because God loves me

So what do I do with these polar opposites?

Do I go on as if there’s nothing wrong?

Do I stay in the fire where I belong?

Or I do I try to salvage what’s left of my soul?

But what can I do when the only thing I feel is the weight of the world suffocating me?

...

I breathe

Knowing

2011-12-31T09:52:00.001-05:00

*Old Stuff, Old Me (9/19/06)*

I used to wonder when I was younger.

But now, I know where I’m going.

I used to do things with caution;

But now, I do things with flaws showing.

I used to be slightly concerned,

But now, I’m always scared.

Always regressing to the people who never cared.

I’m not afraid of dying,

But I’m afraid of where I’m going.

I wish that I could do the things I do without knowing.

Captivity

2011-11-22T16:50:00.005-05:00

…He stares at me as if he’s seen me for the first time, but it’s better than usual. Usually he doesn’t look at me at all. He only stares into space as if his body has no other function. I try to intervene, but all of my efforts have proven to be futile. He refuses to listen but doesn’t have any trouble making himself noticed when he feels he should be. He quickly dismisses anything good, as if it were poison, leaving me with no choice but to sit in silence. Grief plagues me to my bones until I’m saturated in obscurity, pleading for a miracle to take me away from this prison that I voluntarily entered. Please, God, help me get out of here. I can’t carry his burden and mine; I can’t sit by and do nothing while he dies. I can’t save him, and I don’t want his blood on my hands anymore. I’m tired of suffering in solitude. I want to tell you what’s happened to me, and I’ll give every account of my whereabouts. But first, I have to tell you how I got here. Just get me out of here, please!

I thought this was a safe haven from my troubles, but it turned out to be an insane asylum for my sins, my countless, countless sins… But whenever I get on the right track, he (you know who) finds me and pulls me back in. He handcuffs me to his deceit in a dark room and beats me with the past. I finally surrender to make him stop, but he doesn’t until he sees blood, Your blood. Then he shoots me up with my favorite drugs in order of how he wants me to react. Desire, insignificance, shame, and then rage course my veins, one by one as I try my hardest to break free from his grip. But he only grips my arm even tighter, so tight that my circulation starts to cut off, so I stop fighting. Then he leaves for a while then comes back with even more drugs, so I won’t be able to remember the first fix from the last. But I remember. I remember every hit, every dosage, every high, and every overdose. He shoots me up with so much the second time that I go numb and black out. But when I wake up, I’m right back where I started, lying in his bed of transgressions, wrapped in sheets of uncertainty, resting on pillows of lies…

Sexual Healing

2011-11-22T14:42:00.001-05:00

It's not the kind Marvin Gaye was talking about...

Wash Me

2011-11-17T15:27:00.001-05:00

Cover me in cold water until I can feel it in my bones

Caress me with the waves until they hug me as tight as they can

Scrub me with the sand until I am no longer calloused

Allow the sun to warm my body until my heart can feel it

Give the wind permission to kiss me until I can feel it all over

Make the sky more clear until I can see it for what it is

Wash me with the blood that I've rejected so many times

Clean me from inside out until I'm spotless

Wash me with the tears that fell for me whenever I turned away

Clean what's left behind by everything that's not You

Wash me clean

Thank You

2011-09-06T17:15:00.002-04:00

Thank You so much for waiting for me!

My eyes are so full of tears that I can hardly see!

I’ve denied You, despised You, and even turned away

But You always knew that I’d be back someday

You’re peeling away the callous shell that I’ve kept on my heart

You’ve tried before, but I resisted. But You knew we could never be apart

I can’t believe I’ve been missing out! On all that purifying love

I’ve looked up to the world for approval. But now I’ll look above

I still can’t believe You stuck by me! Even though I’ve hid from Your face

I knew I should’ve had faith in you, faith that we’d finish this race

So I humble myself for Your guidance. And I’ll never regret a thing

Because you waited patiently. For me to submit to The King

Guide Me

2011-08-06T23:37:00.003-04:00

Are You trying to tell me something?

Is that why You’re getting rid of all of the men in my life?

Is that why You’re clearing the decks and cleaning out the clutter?

Should I be listening for a message right now?

I’m looking for You, but my vision is still out of focus

My eyesight is getting better, so I’ll keep readjusting my lenses until I can see You clearly

I know it’s not fair to ask You to wait up for me, but can You?

I’ll catch up this time; I’ll meet You halfway. Just don’t leave me behind

I’m really going to follow You this time; I really mean it

I know You’re around here somewhere, but I can’t quite hear Your voice like I use to

It doesn’t sound the same, but I’ll clean out my ears better this time.

Just keep talking so I can follow Your voice

I think You’re trying to lead me somewhere, and I won’t even lie, I won’t have any choice but to follow blindly

But I’ll follow nonetheless; just don’t leave me behind

Just keep telling me whatever it is that I need to hear

I don’t understand You know, but I’ll figure it out

Just stay close, just in case I get lost again, okay?

Optimism

2011-08-05T23:59:00.002-04:00

Is this what contentment feels like?

I’ve never known it, so I have no idea

If it is, then I think I’m going to like it

The simplicity is contagious, and I want to catch more of it!

It just feels strange to have a normal routine

Is the chaos waiting in the wings somewhere?

Maybe this…contentment is starting to win me over

And if it keeps feeling like this, then I can’t wait to feel the progression!

I think…I’m not sure, but I think I’m going to be okay after all…

Live After Death

2011-08-05T23:40:00.002-04:00

If I could come back from the dead, just for five minutes,

I’d tell You how much You mean to me

I’d get on my knees and thank You for the precious air that I breathe

I’d ask You to forgive me for walking away

I wish I would’ve had more time to tell You how I really felt

But I guess that’s not how it works…

If only I would’ve let go of my pride, let go of myself, just for a moment

I could have loved…I could have lived

A moment is what it would’ve taken to realize that You really loved me

What I would’ve given to have realized that sooner!

But I wouldn’t listen; I would only listen to everyone but You

I couldn’t even look You in the eyes whenever You spoke to me

And now, it’s too late to ask for forgiveness

Now, it’s too late to try to make amends

…Now it’s too late for everything

Whispers

2011-08-05T23:28:00.004-04:00

There are sweet little monsters that try to invade my thoughts

Sweet because they tell me what I want to hear

Monsters because they try to rip off my ear

I betray myself when they sing me to sleep

I forget the source of those subliminal lullabies

Forgetting they’re the reason for my silent cries

I don’t think my psyche can stand much more of this

I can feel it resist those little beasts, but it drains the life that that I cannot see

A cold, still corpse is what’s starting to become of me

I let those whispers control my heart and soul

A heart that doesn’t beat and a soul that was never found

Those monsters are taking over; they consume everything around

I die a little every day, as I let more of them in

Those claws are cutting deeper

And my wounds are getting steeper

Those whispers are taking me hostage, planting tumors in my brain

This all could have been avoided, if I’d gotten rid of my terror

But I’m fading in and out now, falling victim to my error

Deliberate Bewilderment

2011-07-30T21:34:00.003-04:00

Searching for a fix, but all I find is a pile of silence

The same quiet chaos that destroyed me years ago

Scream walls, scream! Do something that’s worth wild!

My hands are in the cookie jar, begging to defile!

Scratch, Pierce, Bleed! Just don’t stop this gray abyss!

I’ll cover my eyes, fantasize, that this is truly bliss

But I peak, peak, peak until my pupils open wide

I looked at them in the mirror but could see no one inside

Soul, where do you hide?

Where have I stashed you in my temple?

You’ve become so hard to find, that losing you is now so simple

Come in, come in, come in, and bolt the daylight out behind you

It’s seeping, seeping through, trying to find a place to leech to

The midnight light is crawling on me, pulling on my shoulders

I turn around to face it, but it looks like The Beholder…

A Fair Trade

2011-07-26T23:51:00.003-04:00

Let’s make a trade

Let me and have Your heart, and I’ll give you mine

In exchange for my life, our souls will intertwine

I am but a shadow of our father’s happy child

Yet I come to You for something worth wild

I’ll give You my pain that aches by day

You can take my sorrow that never goes away

Just make me a promise that I will remember

One that will cause my sweet surrender

I long for my heart to burst and bleed

To wash away the world and all of its greed

So You can reclaim my broken soul

And we can, one day, become a whole

Lost in the Woods

2011-05-04T23:24:00.010-04:00

I’m lost in woods, and I can’t see because I forgot to bring my flashlight. Stupid me, huh? He doesn’t think I’m stupid though; I know that now. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling that way. He’s waiting for me now, but I’m not ready to come home yet. I don’t know why… yes I do. I keep telling myself that something’s out here for me, that I’m missing out on something. I got tired of listening to my Daddy, day in and day out, and I just wanted a break. I just wanted a few days where I could get away with doing what I wanted, anything; even if I knew that what I was doing wasn’t good for me. I didn’t care and still don’t, at least I don’t feel like it. Because I can’t feel anything.

I don’t know how I ended up in the woods, but I remember my way out. My Daddy’s tried to call for me, to help me find my way, but I didn’t want to come out just yet. So He’s waiting for me, at the edge of the woods; He’s waiting for me to come out of the woods on my own time. Isn’t He great? But I didn’t think so. I thought that He wasn’t doing enough, but then again, I’m not a parent and don’t know the first thing about dealing with rebellious children. I didn’t tell my Brother where I was going either, and my cell phone’s not getting a good signal out here. I texted him, but I’m sure I’m gonna be billed for roaming. But he did reply. He only texted me once, and with the shortest message ever. You’d think that you’re older brother would be worried that his little sister is lost in the woods, but He only sent me one message. It said, “I love you. Come home.”

I saved it, and I look at all the time. It’s actually the only thing that keeps me from going deeper into the woods. I want to go further, but that text message keeps getting to me! I thought about deleting it, but I hate getting rid of stuff, then longing for it after it’s long gone. I should’ve brought a sleeping bag, but all I brought with me were my misconceptions. They’ve been leading me through the woods the whole time, and now, they’re gone. They’ve left me for dead with no food and only a bottle of water to keep me dependent on them. They told me that they were going to find food but never came back. They told me that three days ago, but three days feel like three months out here…

Well, I think I’m gonna go back home now, but I’m sure I’m gonna bump into plenty of trees on the way there. Hopefully, but not undoubtedly, I won’t bump into anymore wolves because I don’t have any more flesh to tear. I’ll walk slowly, not because I don’t want to bump into anything but because I’m scared. I’m scared to go home because I know that I’ll have to behave from now on, I know that I’ll have to act and not just be, I know that I’ll have to be transparent instead of the camouflage that blends in with every scenery. I’ll have to try, and I hate trying. But I will; I will try. I feel sick just saying it, partially because I know that I can do more than try, but I’ll try nonetheless. And if I have time left to make it home…I’ll never leave again.

Unlock

2011-02-28T10:11:00.002-05:00

Sometimes, I wish I could beat my heat senseless

Maybe with a hammer so, I could execute the job with efficiency

I’d use the sharp end to claw open every part that was closed

Hoping, desperately, to find at least one of speck of love left inside

Frequently, I’ve desired to poke holes into the deepest parts of my heart

In hopes that every drop of compassion would come pouring out, from wherever it is

And that it would cover every ounce of flesh until I was drenched in love

I’ve been longing to release it from its cocoon of fear

Praying that I could, one day, I would use my Key to free my captives

But I threw it away because I thought it didn’t work, when it was only lack of effort

I didn’t think I had to do anything

I thought the Key would turn Itself

I’ve tried to use it, when I had it, but I failed every time

Whenever I would try to unlock the cell door, the prison alarm of shame would ring

And fear would take my Key and slip it back into my pocket of peers

Now, I don’t know where my Key is

I’ve been looking for it, but my eyes only seem to focus in darkness

I’ve given it away so many times, that I’ve forgotten where I placed it and who I’ve entrusted it to

Therefore, I’d take much delight in prying my heart open

With as much force that is necessary, and then some…

But maybe, possibly, there's still time to find my Key!

Maybe there’s still time to salvage what’s left of those stored up treasures!

And here I am trying to use a hammer!

I pray that I can find It and use It in time

I pray that I never use my heart as a prison again

I pray that I will always keep my Key in sight

...But I’ve done so much to ensure that it would be lost forever

I’ve done so much to guarantee that my heart would stay sealed...

Then, there’s one more thing left to do… find my Key!

A Letter To My Father

2011-01-06T13:20:00.004-05:00

It's only been a year, but it feels like forever

A long, treacherous journey, where the roads go wherever

You've held my hand, the whole time, though, I've tried to break free

But Your ever-lasting grip won't seem to depart from me

Yeah, I've done all the dirty deeds, hoping that You weren't looking

I've mistaken you for a warden, even though I've done all of the booking

Yes, I've thrown, myself in "the slammer," forgetting that You have the keys

I guess I thought my crimes were too heinous, "surely, You could never pardon these."

You've been the perfect Father, yet I continue to be a delinquent

You keep telling me to mind, but I can't seem to be obedient

But what a sweet bargain I got when I chose to follow You

Love, protection, and promises that will never be broken in two

Yet, I hate to think about Your raw end of the deal

A spoiled brat with a closed heart, that relies on what it can feel

Day after day, I fail You, and I put Your glory to shame

And without hesitation, I continue to deny Your name

But You never seem to remember, after I've apologized

You even give me time to come to You, so that I will realize

That I need You, above all, and You will never leave

And if I'd just let You in, there would be nothing I couldn't achieve

But I'm so rebellious, that I forget, that I'm not an orphan

I have everything I could possibly imagine, and even more than

Fortunately, a "screw up" like me, can have such an awesome Father

With overflowing love like Yours, I know, now, why I'm Your daughter

O Ye Of Little Faith

2011-01-05T14:40:00.002-05:00

I'm finally about to do what I've dreamed about since I was 13; I'm moving out! I'll finally be on my own....and that's what terrifies me. I've never completely been on my own, and I've always had someone to back me up for almost anything I needed. I've always wanted to be independent but for the wrong reasons, but I guess none of us are really independent b/c we have God to oversee everything. And I have to say, He's really been taking care of me, and I don't mean just by waking me up this morning and allowing my body to continue functioning correctly. Yes, those blessings alone are worth the highest praise, but God's really been on His "A Game" with getting me ready for school. Believe it or not, he stopped me from going to another school and found me another one, right before it was time to start. I actually made every deadline in about 4 weeks, and every thing is taken care of, compared to the year I spent just trying to get accepted in my last school of interest. I don't even have to take out any loans! I know that I would be paying back at least 80 grand, if I would have went to Fullsail, and I would have had no transportation, etc. Now, I don't owe the government a pennie, and everything I need is a Marta ride away from where I'm staying.

I don't know why, but I'm always amazed at how God does what He does. I worry my head and sometimes, have nervous breakdowns trying to figure what to do next. Then, all of a sudden, it's ALL taken care of; I just don't get it! It seems like He does it on purpose, and He waits on me to lose faith, which I do often, just to show me that He has always had everything under control. I know that my heart isn't where it needs to be and that He's working on it, but I really feel like crap whenever He comes through for me. I guess b/c it's a reminder of my lack of faith and of His promise to me, that I've ignored. I also tend to ignore the gravity of how important His work in my life is. I was going to go to another state, all alone, with no money, no transportation, and no clue what God was going to in my life next b/c I would have been so distracted with my circumstances.

I know I've been taking detours in my journey, and I'll probably take a few more, in the future. But maybe, one day, I'll have faith like Job's or at least half. I don't know what God has in store for me now, but I have an idea that He's going to let me know, soon. In the meantime, I think I'm going to study Matthew 8:26.

The Battle For The Captive Heart

2010-12-27T12:11:00.002-05:00

The trenches are dug; the ground is cleared

No turning back for the side that's revered

The battle grounds are ready for tremendous collision

Meanwhile, the captive's dying from lack of provision

Squeezed of all nutrients, only the shell remains

The Enemy drained The Blood; now poison courses the veins

All color has faded and Black conquers pigments

It's been forced fed and is now full of figments

The situation is desperate, for the rescue missions have failed

The heart has a small opening, but it is heavily veiled

Yet, the Ally refuses to surrender, nor will He ever retreat

He seems completely oblivious to all past defeats

Like the Enemy, He won't rest till the heart's in possession

He will never surrender, for saving hearts is His profession

The trumpets are being blown; the soldiers march in formation

The "face-off" begins; neither side shows intimidation

Weapons are drawn as both sides prepare stances

The Enemy knows that this is one of his last chances

Battle cries fill the still air; the battle is about to begin

The trumpet blows its last tune; it's time for blood to ascend

Sex + Religion

2010-11-06T19:00:00.003-04:00

I couldn't believe what I read, after I was done with this; I'm actually still floored now! This is a statistics done on porn in America, courtesy of XXX Church called "Pastors".
(click the links)

Redemption

2010-11-06T18:58:00.002-04:00

As blank as my thoughts appear this hour

My eyes seem to focus, only, on future peace and power

Difficult at best, yet so highly esteemed

God's good graces are what I strive to have redeemed

As quiet as my mouth stays this afternoon

I know that my heart will restore very soon

So peaceful is the sound of my tears hitting the floor

For I now feel what I've lost months before

Yet my mind persists to roam in the dark partially blind

Because post-ignorance introduced what I continue to find

Cold water, which turned my pure soul lukewarm

With warning being ignored, I ,once again, joined the swarm

After months of hypothermia, I finally decided to thaw

I remembered that His hand over-powers his claw

I am warming up again, but progress is slow

One day, my strength will return, and I will continue to know

That independence is only an illusion

And sole understanding only leads to confusion

So now, I fight for Holy fire

For my redemption lies only in this desire

Faith and works is what He requires

Strip Church

2010-11-06T18:50:00.002-04:00

Are churches today, really open to anyone? Does the quote "come as you are" actually apply to everyone? Let's see how XXX Church bring the gospel to Sin City!

The Porn Trap

2010-11-06T18:45:00.005-04:00

Did you know that porn is the most successful industry in America? Did you know that it's so easy to access, now, that even someone as young as a 10 yr old can access it? It's one click away to ruining the rest of someone's life, and let me tell you from experience, once you start, it's EXTREMELY hard to stop. Lust is a very powerful sin, and it's 100% destructive, even deadly! It leads us to do things that we'd never thought we'd do in a MILLION years or anyone else to fall prey to. So, let's stop this epidemic, one step at a time. Let's use the internet, TV, and other media. productively and not destructively.

Here are two testimonies from former victims of porn; I hope this helps anyone who is struggling with it.

Jesus Loves Pornstars

2010-11-06T18:34:00.001-04:00

Intervention

2010-11-06T17:57:00.004-04:00

All of that time wasted on sexual tension

Just for less than 2 minutes of empty pleasure

As unsatisfying as it is... I can't stop once I've started

Though extremely sickening and instantly sobering

The foul smell of lust continues to linger near my nostrils

Yes, I dare contradict the repulsive odor

Because... it's horribly intoxicating, or should I say... addictive?...

I wish I could consider treatment

But, I can't fathom the pain of righteousness, at the moment

Although my blood flows for holiness

My body continues to malfunction

Even with warning, I allow myself my wounds to ache without treatment

Sensation is efficiently incredible

Yet, my heart seems to break after every session

For, I now know why His heart breaks

And His tears fall from every learned lesson

Stray

2010-11-06T17:55:00.005-04:00

"and the wolf catches the sheep and scatters them.- John 10:12"

I'm walking, alone, down the tunnel, once again

I've strayed in the wilderness, even further than the end

The brutal, cold darkness blots out my bright light

As the winter snow melts under my feet tonight

My eyes are far strained, sense of direction torn

My heart beats for guidance, but my mind has been forewarned

Where will you lead me next, old, dead flesh?

Which briar patch shall I roam?

Though my members sit in silence,

I am anywhere but the comforts of home

The beast seems to chase me, now

Yet, I never gave a fair fight

I didn't hesitate retreating

As I spread my wings for flight

Where to will Your little sheep venture?

Will her next journey be true?

O, if only I'd stayed the course

never had strayed from you

Eternal Scars

2010-11-06T17:27:00.006-04:00

I don't know how He felt, but I can't help but feel connected.

With a scar that pales in comparison to His, I can't help but feel closer.

I wonder if He still touches them, even though He still remembers.

I wonder if He gets flashbacks of that day when or if He ever looks at them.

Does He smile when if or when He thinks of the sacrifice and the outcome?

Does all of Heaven smile too?

When He sees His saints do His will does He look at His scars,

Or did they disappear once He ascended back to His throne?

I look forward to finding my answers one, eternal day

About the scars we gave Him that will never go away.

Woman

2010-11-06T17:23:00.003-04:00

*Inspired by the Mother's Day sermon "Woman" by Jentezen Franklin*

Until now, I continually tarnished His temple
I disregarded my "heartbeat" to make "my life" more simple
He's kept me in his heart all this time
Yet, I've strived to forget that His heart is mine
I am the eye of the storm
But I have been hesitant to form
He made me the doorway of the Sabbath and life
However, I've the effort only to follow strife
Made out of a living thing like no other
Never to create again except through the mother
And unlike the rest, we were called "very good"
The last thing He made, which I never understood
Until now, I knew nothing of my continuous drip
I've never know my own strength until I felt His grip
So many plans ahead due to my gender
No longer will I hide behind the ultimate hinder-er
God's had my hand forever, even when I tried to let go
I am a woman, His woman, and in time the world shall know

By Grace, Be Still

2010-09-28T19:32:00.003-04:00

My heart is searching for its purpose

I try to force my eyes, but His will hides under the surface

O, spiritual ignorance! Where does intelligence dwell?

My mind hasn't the answer, yet it persists to tell

Is my discernment poor, or is my flesh to blame?

Does my patience want to wear thin, or is it just Satan's game?

He plagues my intuition so that I doubt and wonder

With daily dead ends, he drives my thinking to squander

After that, I tend to focus, on selfish blessings

With precious hours spent on foolish nothings

This fragile imagination, he toys with efficiently

Can sometimes be so shallow, that it's near transparency

Quiet noises and confusion so compel my eyes to roam

Though it is all a delusion, my thoughts mull over a future home

Neither productive nor practical, my standards set on high

Until reality strikes me down, then, sobriety is my cry

I seek clarity and connection, for I deeply desire maturity

But I drift right pass the signs in the sea of obscurity

O, Lord, my God! if You grant this in Your will

I beg that my spirit finds the course and stays still

Sunday Mourning

2010-09-28T18:52:00.006-04:00

The hostile air taints the holy ground
As darkness creeps in without making a sound
And even though the perfect Sabbaths bloom
The 4th commandment is overcome with gloom
Blasphemy penetrates the walls of sanctuary
While lust and greed loiter in the background for company

Worshiping the Lord has never been so grotesque
But the putrid, empty praises only proclaim Satan's conquest
Rotten flesh fills the pews, as he sharpens his teeth to devour
The thick odor of the carcases is enough for faith to sour

The little lambs, that run about, have closed their eyes to caution
While the masters of the pulpit drive their followers to exhaustion
His public school has been reduced, to an exclusive bank
"Pay to receive," is the course of high rank

Pure repentance, has become half-hearted chants
While teachers of deception warp righteousness in rants
Compromise and charity are the new golden rules
As God's Word is contorted into a message for fools

This day and age have forgotten about the true King's return
They have covered their hearts from truth, and for hell, they urn
The sand is almost on the other side; the hour glass is nearly filled
The Sunday bells ring now, but that Day, the doors will be sealed

He will restore His holy grounds and the true saints that dwell
He will also rebuke the wicked and the ones who rebel
His house remains open to all, so please heed warning
He cannot be content, with disciples of Sunday morning

Revenge

2010-09-28T18:49:00.004-04:00

What's something that I can never have?

What's the one thing that I would kill for?

What's the poison that I would risk dying for, just for a sip?

What's the price paid for playing a dangerous game?

It's that burning desire that never ceases, in most

It's man's favorite kryptonite, that's secretly coveted

It's that decadent craving that I have yet to lose a taste for

It's that sinful nature that best portrays the inner-beast

Taboo to few but a regular practice for majority

Either persistence or waiting will get the job done

Extremely motivating at best,

But it will tarnish the soul and corrupt the flesh

Nevertheless, I dream of fulfilling all the more

Consequences, at the moment, are of little priority

Yet, they are branded in my mind for safekeeping

But, the force that drives me is pure deceit

Future, false satisfaction fills my, once pure, heart

With constant provoking, my flesh devises this feast

O, What big appetite I have for this sweet buffet of sorrows

How I will have to purge myself of "idiot's delight"

My mouth waters for this tasty treat, that will linger forever

Just imagining the scent of the innocent blood is too much to bare...

I pity the bystanders' expressions

Even the most gruesome scene would look like "child's play"

O, Savior, give me conviction or strike me down

Because my lust for destruction is consuming me...

Woe to my tainted faith

For it is the cause of my vengeance

And with vengeance comes sobriety

Although I will regain conciseness, quickly, recovery will be slow

Woe to you, demon....He will get revenge

Home Alone

2010-08-11T22:38:00.006-04:00

Just one click away

My concentration has gone astray

Sinful passion burn a hole through my thoughts

While my hand freezes on the mouse

I start to cringe like a dope fiend

Wanting to dance with death more and more

I start to tremble from the pressure

Knowing the pleasure and guilt that would be in store

And I can’t hold on any longer

Just a quick search, and I’m doomed to destruction

All alone for days, yet today, my will power is absent

What a hard test, so easy to fail

With no witnesses, morality can’t prevail

However, I find a way out of enticement

Healthy distractions are conceived in my conscience

But there’s still plenty of time

To bite the Hand that feeds

He’s still watching, but I can’t see Him

This has been a long-time alibi

Should I use my denial to my advantage?

It’s so easy to do wrong when no one is looking

Thus far, the choice has been mine all along

My mind is strong, but my heart is stronger

I will no longer be made an example

Turn On Your Light

2010-08-07T21:12:00.001-04:00

2 AM

2010-07-25T03:49:00.002-04:00

I really hate when my brain says write, but when I get ready to type or write, my thoughts vanish like vapor. Maybe it's because I'm not suppose to document every thought just because it sounds good; I have a bad habit of trying to turn every good thought into a quote. I guess it's because I don't want anything I write to be insignificant. I just came up with theory about that. Maybe my writer's block isn't a writer's block but a block of insecurities about my writing. I would always get insecure when I read something great and would try to improve my writing, not to become a better writer but to prove to myself that I could write better than that other person. Maybe that's why I can never finish a script or a song because I'm too insecure of my work. Thank God late night writing because I would've never came to this conclusion on my own, and I most likely would've learned this the hard way. Well, this is the first step to becoming a better writer; I'm ready for step two.

My Friend, the Night

2010-07-25T02:58:00.003-04:00

What beautiful kisses the dark morning wind blow me

As the bright eyes light a path for my feet to see

The velvet audience watches in silence

They stare in awe of the ripples' compliance

The children of the root give a standing ovation

The now black blades wave their hands in appreciation

All ends well as the show comes to a close

I take a final look at how the shiny grin glows

My bliss exceeds its limit as I prepare to retire

For this is a mere whisper of our Father's power

Eyes Wide Shut

2010-07-24T11:33:00.002-04:00

Until today, I've been sitting in a dungeon full of dead bodies
I've watched them laugh, cry, and rejoice in their filth
I sat by and joined in on there "positive" hobbies
Meanwhile, I covered my ears to the blasphemy and lack of guilt

I've swam in the lukewarm waters of denial with content
Attempting to find perfection in my pride without Consent
Pretending to care but only about my reputation
Believing that I was recovering when I put no effort in participation

Compromising with corpses and bogus sermons with an open mind
But never once did I open my eyes until I desired the pleasure of my kind
If the rapture came today, I would drown in the lake of fire
I would be spewed out of His mouth because I've been a liar
I've been lying about everything from lifestyle to deeds
Especially to myself, as I neglected my needs

I am now malnourished and underfed
And even in the brightest light, I could pass for dead
I've allowed my dreams to devour my reality
Unless I consult imagination, I am forbidden to be happy

Even though it's been months, it seems like joy's escaped me centuries ago
But I've used my Christian disguise so that no one would know
My value decreased when I chose to associate with death
I was genuine for a time; now, I take my last breath

Until today, my name was blotted out of God's list
And believe me when I say, that He does exist
Today, He admitted me to intensive care
He rescued me from the streets of temptation though I remained unaware

For the first time in ages, I've been truly sincere
No more idle words without works; no more propping up sinners for false cheer
Today is my checkpoint to Heaven, and nothing will stand between us anymore
I will lose family, friends, and favor, but I gain an entrance through The Door

No matter what He asks of me, I will no longer cower and procrastinate
No matter how dangerous the mission may be, I will accept my fate

Today, I break the devil's chains and become a witness to his destruction
His blindfold will be lifted from few
I will no longer cooperate with corruption
Because today, He has made me new

Satan, beware of my light
It will burn the evil out of their souls
Demons, be prepared to fight
In the end, you will pay your tolls

Dead

2010-07-24T10:44:00.004-04:00

I can feel my flesh disintegrating
My tongue burns red as blood is regenerating
My heart bleeds black as it cries for mercy
Meanwhile, my brain swells in need for urgency

Yet, the agony can't compare to my mangled conscience
Persistent suffocation was due to little obedience
Now, all that's left is a glimpse of hope
God throws me a life-line, but my demons pull the rope

They block my sight as I struggle for remission
Then they drag me back down to critical condition
They celebrate their success by mocking my pain
My heart is losing it's structure, and there's no chance to regain

I drank the world's poison. Now, I have sclerosis of the soul
My vital signs are useless; in the grave I will enroll

Now, I roam in darkness, for I lost my light
O God! hide your eyes from this horrific sight!
Due to my betrayal, I also lost Your trust
Because I allowed Satan's deceptions to lead me to dust